black typewriter keysOne of the many reasons I seem to have difficulty in writing something every day is that I just can’t decide what to write about. There are so many things that interest me that my mind flits from topic to topic all day. Yes, okay, so maybe I’m a bit A.D.D…Hell, A.D.H.D. even…but come ON. It shouldn’t be that hard, you know? Throughout the day I will find something that catches my ear or eye and go “Yeah! THAT’s what I’m going to write about tonight!” Then, I get home and I’m screwed…because there were at least a hundred moments like that from the time I got up to the time I got home and they are all shiny at first…and kind of dull by the time I get home.

I’ve tried keeping a list of everything as they pop into my head, augmented with little notes as to where I want to go with it, that way I can review and research them after I leave the office. I listen to a lot of NPR with earbuds while slaving away in the Cubicle of Doom…keeps me from being distracted by others in the office, helps me “get in the zone”, as it were. So, I’ll be listening to Talk of the Nation or The World or Fresh Air with Terry Gross…or any number of other programs…and there will be a blip about something that I want to check up on when I get home. Yes…when I get home.

*sigh*

See, I can’t just stop work and research it right then and there. Oh, no…and not just because I’m supposed to be filing, amending, inquiring, researching any number of the tasks I actually get paid a pittance for. No, more than that it’s the dreaded BARRACUDA… the SlaveBox’s Nazi Web-Filter. This security filter makes just surfing the web very problematic. It seems that everything you actually want to look at is “restricted” and so we get the “access denied” screen of doom for all sorts of things you wouldn’t even think it would apply to. I’m not talking just of the understandable and usual no-YouTube/no-Twitter/no-Facebook and no access to your personal web-based email like Yahoo or Hotmail or Gmail. If there is any possibility of streaming media of any kind on a site the whole site is blocked. That’s it. No can do. Do not pass “Go!” Do not collect $200.00. This means no going to the NPR website at all because, at that website, there is the mere hint of the possibility that you might-could listen to one of their podcasts. Even if all you want to do to just READ the damn story or check out a photo they were talking about on Science Friday…nope, no can do. Yeah, it’s not so fun.

Not being able to do even the most rudimentary of research such as this makes it very hard to keep your topic of choice in mind all day. For me, doing a bit of investigation helps to lock the idea in place, keeps the plate warm, reminds me to check back on it and where to check back in on it. So, try as I might to keep notes that pop into my head…I put them in a little on-going open email to myself and send it off to my personal web-based email at the end of the day so I can refer to it when I get home…it just doesn’t work. It’s very hard to keep the momentum going on any of this if you have to break away from it repeatedly. And then…the moment is gone. I imagine this is what it is like for a musician that has a hook in their head and then, if they wait too long to get it down, to try it out, to record a rudimentary riff on their voice memo app on their iPhone…it’s on the wind and gone. It’s the Mist of the Muse. *sigh*

Yeah…and it’s a problem.

So, here I sit at home now with an email full of notes that barely make sense even to me, on a hundred different topics, and now I’m like, “Uh…where do I start?”

I want to write about all of them. I want to write about none of them. I want to write about something else that grabs me…that way it will grab you. I want…

Damn it. I just want a glass of wine and a True Blood episode. Screw this.

And so…that’s my continual Dilemma…of Death.

© 2011 D. Kessler

I know I’m all over the place here lately. New Year’s Resolutions, a rant about winter and the retail nightmare, a blurb about lesser headlines and a near-choked-up tribute to a recently dead-and-gone musician doesn’t really live up to my previous life as a post-every-day ranting lunatic, a political-and-entertainment-news op-ed wanna-be somewhat serious writer. But at least I’m writing/posting SOMETHING. That’s what I keep telling myself, anyway.

Yes, getting back in the groove of posting something meaningful every day, or at least somewhat entertaining, is proving to be harder than I’d like. Thank the ever-glorious SlaveBox aka Cubicle of Doom for zapping the light & life out of me by the time time I set foot on the bus home. Add to that a tiny (read 650 sq ft) apartment with three adults and two cats…and at least three-to-five large egos…all living, breathing, fighting and whatever else you can imagine and holy crap you’ve got a pickle of a situation. Where the hell am I supposed to squeeze in the time and mind-set to focus on a single topic let alone actually form an opinion about it? Um…yeah. *sigh* We’re working on that part, but bear with me for a while longer, okay? 

Here’s the plan…or at least a foggy semblance of an outline of a plan.

Since we be a nine-to-fiver (or thereabouts) during the week, expect some fluff dandelion_puffon the weekdays. Might be a gem that emerges here and there, but then it might just be some fluffy stuff floating between my ears.

Weekends are my time…all day in pajamas time…so that’s the time we hope to focus on getting some actual writing done. Think of Dy’s Mind’s Eye more like a weekly zine…in one or two installments. Hopefully part one on Saturday, part two on Sunday. Anyway…that’s the idea I’m runnin’ with. To be clear, we’ll be here everyday (hopefully) keeping the space warm, feeding the fire, handing out tid-bits to the masses…sides to the Main Entree, as it were. The supporting roles to the Saturday/Sunday Sit-Down.

That said, for today’s tid-bit I thought I’d share my Morning Coffee SlaveBox Playlist for today. Yes it’s fluff…but it’s nice fluff.  I’ve added links to various versions of most of the tunes via YouTube etc where available. Enjoy. 🙂

Morning Coffee SlaveBox Playlist

Massive Attack – Karmacoma
Stegasaurus Rex – Premumbra
Royksopp – Triumphant
Maia Krasnaia – On Ledianoi
Massive Attack – A Prayer For England 
Jel – Sweet Cream In It
Frederico Aubele – Postales 
Tricky – Overcome
Moby – Natural Blues
Massive Attack – Paradise Circus 
General Fuzz – Comfort Zone
Gotan Project – Tango Cancion 
PANTyRAID – Get the Money
Trance Fury – Guilt 
Mono – Silicone 
All India Radio – Lo Fi Groovy
Gotan Project – Vuelvo Al Sur
DJ Shadow- Midnight in a Perfect World
The Last Atlant – Anima Mundi
The Crystal Method – London

© 2011 D. Kessler

So you see, there’s been no action over here for quite a while…like months. Part of that was due to some weirdness with my ‘puter (see previous post), part was because I no longer have wi-fi access anywhere in my apartment, and part (most?) was because I was Just Plain Lazy. Tired and Uninspired. Had a serious case of Writer’s Block. Ok ok…I Just Plain Suck.

HOWEVER…as part of the Jump On The Bandwagon Program (also known as the New Year’s Resolution Brainstorm, version 20.10), I plan to…I endeavor to…I’m gonna TRY to…?  Whatever. Let’s just say there’s going to be a flurry of activity over here…well, at least compared to what’s been going on here in the past few (many!) months. It’ll be starting out as a small flurry…an occasional dust devil, if you will…nothing big enough to lift a farmhouse out of Kansas over the rainbow…but it will be SOMETHING.  And that’s the important part.  Writing SOMETHING…anything…getting back in the swing of things.   

Ya’ll should bear with me, though…I might have forgotten how to ride this bike just like I forgot how to drive a car.  We won’t be poppin’ wheelies or yellin’ “Look, Ma! No hands!” right away. And we may even be a bit all over the place, wobbling back and forth from one side of the road to the other, sampling a plethora of topics as they flit though my mind (like they always do. Focus? What’s focus? I swear sometimes I…Oh! Wow, look at that! SHINEY!! Wheeee!)

Uh…Where was I?  Oh yeah. Topics. Bunches of them. Some fun, some we’ll have to try to make fun, some angry, some just there…but then again, this IS Dy’s Mind’s Eye.  It’s just observations from my reality. So, welcome back to my reality, Everyone.  And welcome back to Me!  It will feel good to breathe again, I think.  Because that’s what writing is in my world: Life’s Breath.  And I’m back from the grave, Baybee!  Oh yeah!

As I apparently blew off my writing/blogging for the month of January…with the exception of two posts…it was with trepidation that I meandered over to the NaBloPoMo site in search of a new badge for February for the right-side column of my blog’s front page.  Does it make a mockery of the whole idea if I, with my happy little badge declaring that “I write every day!”, don’t fulfill the task?  I mean, you all see that little thing in the corner and go, ‘Yeah, right, Dy.  Sure you’re going to post everyday.  Uh-huh. Ok. Whatever you say.  You know we came by here a number of days last month and you were nowhere to be found.  Totally incognito, kaput, vaporized…just plain GONE.”

*sigh*

Yes, that’s true.  But then there’s the idea that if I stick that badge in the corner that maybe it’ll help nudge me in that direction, sort of a way to guilt me into it, as it were.  Not that I don’t want to write something everyday, it’s just that it seems so hard lately to do so.  I don’t have the helpful external prodding from the media blitz that preceded the election, I don’t have the hours of nothing to do that I did before I re-joined the workforce, I don’t have the brain energy to get wrapped up in some trivial thing and make it a big thing and I certainly don’t seem to have the words free-flowing out my fingertips. 

Not to say that I don’t have the words still stewing and swirling around my brain…they just seem to be having a hard time finding the correct corridor to the exit. 

See, the words that are romping around my head seem be different than the previous ones.  Additionally, they have stifled the cool creative words, the words that really want to/need to get out and about, the words that are interesting and create stories and opinions and observations worth reading.  The non-cool words…aka the Bully Words…sprout from things like financial concerns and getting my living space livable and PMS and general non-happenings that bug me in Real Life…things that are best left in a private journal or hashed out with one’s psychiatrist.  These Bully Words loiter around the hallways of my brain, blocking the exits for the Creative Words…and they apparently think this is a riot.  I imagine them calling out in their best Nelson voice, “Haw-haw!  Look at the freaky-artsy-fartsies trying to get out!  Haw-haw! What a bunch of idiots!  Haw-haw!”  Which, of course, makes the neurotic Creative Words forget all their Coolness and they mill about trying to look cool and pretend that they’re waiting for other Cool Creative Words to hang out with…which means that they never really get out, do they?

Well. We’re. Not. Having. Any of it!  Apparently the geekiest of the Creative Words made it out somehow…or else how do you explain this bizarre metaphor of a story?

So.  February’s topic at NaBloPoMo is WANT…and I WANT to beat those Bully Words to a pulp and get those Cool Creative Words flowing again.  If ya’ll have any ideas on how to get that done, by all means, toss ’em my way!  In the meantime, it is my full intention to plop some shit on this shingle everyday this month…hopefully some of it will be worth reading.

See ya tomorrow…one way or the other…

© 2009 D. Kessler

For some reason, I had it in my head that I could not fail.  That I, by sheer will and fortitude, would succeed.  That despite a new job, the resulting reduced time to myself at home with my own ‘puter, and the exposure to a plethora of new and untold germs/bacteria/viruses that my new workplace allowed me to access…I would be unwavering in my task.  That, despite the impending Holidays and the flurry of baking, cooking, planning, wrapping (and drinking!) that normally precedes and accompanies such events…I would be impervious to distraction and would soldier on!  In the words of Cmdr. Peter Quincy Taggart:  “Never give up! Never surrender!”

But alas, and alack!  I have failed.  I am apparently NOT full of paranormally abundant levels fortitude, stick-to-itive-ness, or of whatever else it takes to get through 31 days of December without missing more than a day of writing.   All it took was a few little germs I wasn’t used to, a whole LOT of snow (for Seattle), and a sidetracked step or two in the direction of Hearty Good Cheer (aka holiday drinks in a warm bar!) and we just plumb up and put our writing cap on a top shelf somewhere in the back of a closet along with the hidden gifts and didn’t apparently want to be bothered to look for it or to climb up to get it later.

Yes…I got a cold.  Then, when I got better, I got cabin fever.  And with what little time I had at home to myself after that, it seemed like a preposterous idea to ask myself to sit and type at a computer…as that’s what I’d been doing all day every day at work, but for someone else!  Then, there were cookies to bake for Christmas (Oh boy, these are melt-in-your-mouth-wonderful!), little-somethings to find and wrap for unexpected-but-very-loved guests, a Mimosas & Waffles Brunch to plan/prepare, a  Mexican feast to get lost in (both the prep and the consumption of!)…my gosh, I don’t know what happened!

So, now it’s been many days since the little bug-like figures that are the English alphabet have been freed upon the page…and sadly, all that I have today is this meandering apology slash holiday play-by-play. 

But, aside from getting a cold, I’ve been having fun…mostly…and I am starting to get used to having a normal work schedule, little by little.  So, I’m pretty optimistic that after the Hubbub of the Holidays winds down a bit, we’ll get our stride back.

Well, either that, or I’ve absolutely GOT to find out where I can enroll in some Discover Your Super-Human Self!-type classes!

© 2008 D. Kessler

Well, Kiddies….As far as I’m concerned, NaNoWriMo 08 is done, fin, kaput for the year.  I obviously did not make it to the desired end result of 50,000 words but, hey…I wrote more this month on this single one project than I have in an extremely long time!  So, that makes me a winner in my book, 50K words or no! 

I topped out at just 16,230 words.  I know, sounds pathetic…but I kinda cheated myself by starting late, by not sticking to my everyday writing schedule and then there was the holiday week, what with it’s emotional baggage and social obligations.  This is by no means a disclaimer, a cop-out, a waa-waa refusal to take the blame.  Oh no…I DEFINATELY  am the one to blame!  But, as I said already, I haven’t written that many words for one project in a very long time…maybe ever actually, as my writing in the past has been much shorter stories, essays and poetry.  So, I do feel good about my over-all performance and very much looking forward to doing this again next year…but prepared and the right way!

That said, I am not abandoning the story I started for this year’s NaNoWriMo. Anyone that has read the story as I have posted here in my blog will know that it is far from over!  There are people to meet and people to find and people to stay away from coming up.  I may even slide in a perspective from she-who-is-missing…though I really haven’t even decided if she’s still alive!  So, I don’t really know for sure if or when I will pursue that possibility. What I am sure of is that I will definitely be posting more of the story as I go along, although I may not post a new installment everyday.  I’m thinking more along the lines of weekly installments, and probably each one will be longer in length.  I dunno…we’ll see how it goes.  I have to think about other things too, or I will drive myself even more insane than I already am!

So…stay tuned…and visit often…you never know what will come out of my brain on any given day!  A little political commentary?  A little more of the story  (I’m still trying to think of a title by the way…)?  I rant-and-rave about some idiot thing that happened to my way to the (insert place here)?  Who knows…I sure don’t!

And please comment freely when you stop by.  Feedback is greatly conducive to output…and every little bit helps!

Now, back to my grindstone…

© 2008 D. Kessler

So, I’m totally losing my mind…nope, wait.  I’ve officially lost it.  The cat is freaking out on me, watching big-eyed as “mommy” (that’s me, of course) confuses the heck outta her, totally.  My husband is at his wits end and doesnt’ know whether to laugh hysterically at/with me or yell at me to let him play his freakin’ Xbox game.  I apparently can’t shut up as I bounce around the kitchen and living room and all sorts of goofy shit is spewing from my mouth:  modified Sesame Street songs, show tunes (Hel-LO Dolly??), and…Iron Maiden?!? I HATE Iron Maiden…

Too much coffee, sugar and not enough actual story ideas coming from my brain makes for crappy weirdness…but it sure is fun!

Then my upstairs neighbor and best friend comes down and puts a damper on THAT…bitch-bitch-belly-ache about loser boyfriend not getting up today to look for work, bitch-bitch-freak-out about her hours getting cut at work (lovely economy we have here, dontya think?)…and do we have everything we need for Thanksgiving?  I can’t believe how expensive everything is…yadda-yadda…Come on, help me make a list…and did you send out the email to everybody…etc

Meanwhile, the maintenance-guy-slash-painter-man shows up to finish the project started yesterday in the bathroom…drywall, plaster and now the actual painting…so my ADHD it in total overload mode.  Too much going on in this house to write….AAAAUUUGGGHHH!

But on a good note…I have a finally have the name for a newly introduced character (yes, I know…late in the game, but we still need her…).  Say hello to…ha! Gotcha…you’ll have to read the story to find out…

So…back to the grindstone…turn up the Rockablly-Psychobilly soundrack!

© 2008 D. Kessler