I think the reason it’s been so silent here at Dy’s Mind’s Eye lately is because I’m just plain overloaded. Not by The Slave Box or by family…though those definitely have been taking their more-than-fair share out of me lately. No, I’m really talking about the media shit-storm.

We’ve got revolutions in Egypt and Bahrain. We’ve got funeral mourners being killed in Lybia and protests in Yemen and Morocco. We’ve got the working class under attack in Wisconsin and the GOP Fascist Asshats in Washington continuing their idiotic war against the poor, elderly, women and children. We’ve got Planned Parenthood and NPR and PBS fighting to stay alive. We’ve got the Seattle Police Department getting away with continued unwarranted brutal force…and even cold-blooded murder of a partially DEAF, drunk man with a CLOSED 3″ pocket knife…going unchecked, uncharged and unbelievable. I am just am all stopped up with all this crap and don’t know where to start. I’m flabbergasted. I’m so freaking angry at it all I’m just that cat in the corner that is spitting and hissing and can’t form words to express it all.

I WANT to write about each and every one of those horrific things and how it makes me angry and   sad and appalled. I WANT to rile you all up into action to DO something…ANYthing…about it. Any of it. All of it.  I just can’t get around my own mind. I’m stuck. I’m angry. I’m sick. I’m fucking in a state of blue screen shutdown.  I just don’t have the mental hard drive space to process, save and upload.

Overflowing GarbageYes, that sounds like a cop out…but I just can’t wrap my head around all of it. It’s too much. It all keeps falling out the sides and seams of my big bag of tricks, one topic at a time, in a torrent of cats and dogs falling from the sky sort of way. My A.D.D. keeps shifting from one topic to the other, trying to keep them all in order…hell, just inside the bag…until my orientation is off and my head is about to explode and then…Blue Screen of Death. Garbage Overload.

The logical little voice in the back of my head says, “Just pick one thing and focus on that. Write about one thing at a time.”

Yeah, I don’t know how to do that.

Not right now…not today. 

I’m going for a Mimosa, damn it. It’s Sunday and I’m worth it. And maybe it’ll quiet that nagging little voice in my head that keeps saying over and over, “Get on your soap box, it misses you…”

© 2011 D. Kessler

Advertisements

black typewriter keysOne of the many reasons I seem to have difficulty in writing something every day is that I just can’t decide what to write about. There are so many things that interest me that my mind flits from topic to topic all day. Yes, okay, so maybe I’m a bit A.D.D…Hell, A.D.H.D. even…but come ON. It shouldn’t be that hard, you know? Throughout the day I will find something that catches my ear or eye and go “Yeah! THAT’s what I’m going to write about tonight!” Then, I get home and I’m screwed…because there were at least a hundred moments like that from the time I got up to the time I got home and they are all shiny at first…and kind of dull by the time I get home.

I’ve tried keeping a list of everything as they pop into my head, augmented with little notes as to where I want to go with it, that way I can review and research them after I leave the office. I listen to a lot of NPR with earbuds while slaving away in the Cubicle of Doom…keeps me from being distracted by others in the office, helps me “get in the zone”, as it were. So, I’ll be listening to Talk of the Nation or The World or Fresh Air with Terry Gross…or any number of other programs…and there will be a blip about something that I want to check up on when I get home. Yes…when I get home.

*sigh*

See, I can’t just stop work and research it right then and there. Oh, no…and not just because I’m supposed to be filing, amending, inquiring, researching any number of the tasks I actually get paid a pittance for. No, more than that it’s the dreaded BARRACUDA… the SlaveBox’s Nazi Web-Filter. This security filter makes just surfing the web very problematic. It seems that everything you actually want to look at is “restricted” and so we get the “access denied” screen of doom for all sorts of things you wouldn’t even think it would apply to. I’m not talking just of the understandable and usual no-YouTube/no-Twitter/no-Facebook and no access to your personal web-based email like Yahoo or Hotmail or Gmail. If there is any possibility of streaming media of any kind on a site the whole site is blocked. That’s it. No can do. Do not pass “Go!” Do not collect $200.00. This means no going to the NPR website at all because, at that website, there is the mere hint of the possibility that you might-could listen to one of their podcasts. Even if all you want to do to just READ the damn story or check out a photo they were talking about on Science Friday…nope, no can do. Yeah, it’s not so fun.

Not being able to do even the most rudimentary of research such as this makes it very hard to keep your topic of choice in mind all day. For me, doing a bit of investigation helps to lock the idea in place, keeps the plate warm, reminds me to check back on it and where to check back in on it. So, try as I might to keep notes that pop into my head…I put them in a little on-going open email to myself and send it off to my personal web-based email at the end of the day so I can refer to it when I get home…it just doesn’t work. It’s very hard to keep the momentum going on any of this if you have to break away from it repeatedly. And then…the moment is gone. I imagine this is what it is like for a musician that has a hook in their head and then, if they wait too long to get it down, to try it out, to record a rudimentary riff on their voice memo app on their iPhone…it’s on the wind and gone. It’s the Mist of the Muse. *sigh*

Yeah…and it’s a problem.

So, here I sit at home now with an email full of notes that barely make sense even to me, on a hundred different topics, and now I’m like, “Uh…where do I start?”

I want to write about all of them. I want to write about none of them. I want to write about something else that grabs me…that way it will grab you. I want…

Damn it. I just want a glass of wine and a True Blood episode. Screw this.

And so…that’s my continual Dilemma…of Death.

© 2011 D. Kessler

I’m tired as hell hearing about the economy.  This bail-out, that bail-out, this Dow Jones, that Nasadaq, what one person thinks it means, the other person’s babble that says it doesn’t, where “WE” ‘re going from here, where “WE” ‘ve been, why “WE” ‘ve been, why “WE” won’t be…AAARRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!!

SHUT THE HELL UP!!!

I realize that I must listen to too much NPR.  But then again…do they think, at NPR or anywhere else in broadcasting, that EVERYone is THAT interested in all this blabber about the same thing every frakin’ day??  I mean…how many of us even understand this whole economy thing, really?

Now, I consider myself to be fairly intelligent. Okay, actually…at the risk of sounding like an elitist arrogant snob of grand proportions…I will tell you that I consider myself to be more than fairly intelligent and definitely more intelligent than your average Joe or Wendy Schmoe.  I read Shakespeare for fun when I was in grade school and understood it, couldn’t get enough of it.  I have followed politics since the Nixion/McGovern election when I was six, as I have previously referenced here in this blog.  I skipped most of 4th grade and went directly to 5th grade because I was bored and I could. I scored high enough on placement tests in 9th grade…those designed to help your teachers and counselors to figure out where your aptitude is and what classes you should take, steering you toward your ultimate goal of college, productive citizen etc…that my teachers and counselors let it slip to me that I would mostly be merely going through the motions for the next few years just to earn enough credits to appease the system to get my diploma (the fact that I did not get to go to college and continue in the steps those teachers felt inevitable, is a topic best left alone for now).  I watch PBS and I listen to NPR and PRI (obviously, as previously noted).  I am not a stupid person.

But I am really tired of hearing about practically nothing else but the economy, the economy, the FREAKIN’ E-CON-O-MEEE!  And frankly, I just don’t get it.

Oh, I am quite aware that we are all fucked at the moment, some more than others, but this whole thing about getting the credit out to the people…though understandable in over-all terms of “get the money moving” and the trickle-down effect to the American people, etc…it doesn’t really apply to me and I’m tired of hearing about it.  It doesn’t help me directly…or quite a lot of other people, either.   In fact, hearing about it makes me feel worse, not better.  It makes absolutely no frakin’ difference to me that they are getting the funds out there to help banks and other financial lenders so that they can do that lending that they like to do so well.  I know that it has to be done, I get the theory of it, I have confidence that my beloved President (yes, for real, I love the man), his advisors and maybe even Congress probably know what they are doing and are taking the steps needed to turn the economy around.  But I also know it’s gonna take a while, and a hard arm, to turn this boat…and I definitely don’t need to hear any more about it while we’re waiting to get our nose to pointed to the shore!  Because…

I. DON’T. QUALIFY.  Not for any of it.

Not for a freaking lousy credit card with even a minimum lending limit. Not for a car loan (like I want a petrol guzzling box o’ tin and fiberglass, no thanks!).  Not for a mortgage.  Not for nada.  Not ever, now, or in the past. 

There.  It’s out in the open.  I have a really sucky credit rating, and always have, for reasons I will not burden you with.  I can tell you that I just have worked my ass off for my whole life, trying to stay ahead of the shut-off notice, the delinquent medical bill, trying to keep my self fed and clothed (barely) and a roof over my head…and I am not alone.  Me…a consumer??  With what money would I be such a thing?!  I haven’t bought a new pair of shoes for myself…SHOES!…in at least 3 years.  SHOES!! (and I love shoes…)  Forget about any big-ticket items like a car or a house or anything else…

So, I wish that the media would just shut the hell up.  I don’t need to hear HOW they are doing it anymore.  I just need to know that they ARE doing SOMEthing…something that will work. Something that will get me a few more dollars in my pocket…and I’m not talking credit dollars.  I’m talking real cash, lower prices at the grocery store and more dollars in my take-home pay.  And if that something makes sense to those economist minds that get all that blathering, let them blather.  Just stop doing it on every news radio & television program every which way I turn. 

And now, I will go scrounge for change in all the pockets and drawers in my  apartment just so I can do a single load of laundry before returning to my office grindstone tomorrow.  Then, we’ll heat up leftovers from three days ago for dinner.  Cuz that’s how it rolls in this house, and many millions of others across the nation…and always has.  No different than last week, last year, last decade.  Not in this house.

Until next time…hopefully soon…

© 2009 D. Kessler